The Cost of Looking Outside Ourselves
November 3 2023 4 min read
She was frustrated. Clamping down on her emotions and trying like hell to hold her breath.
The pain my client was trying so desperately to control, was palpable through our little zoom window.
I invited her to put her hands on her heart centre, and slowly breathe with me.
Then she spoke.
“All my life I’ve just wanted to be happy, at peace, feel safe and have a good life.”
Her tears, her pain was not about this beautiful longing she just named. It was about the lack of it and her belief that it would never come.
It was about the deeper truth of the costs of having lived her life looking to others for the very things she longed for.
This has been our work of late. Taking an honest look at a pattern that has existed for most of her life - a pattern than many of us have had or continue to struggle with.
Nothing changes until we take a look at what it’s costing us.
For decades looked to everyone for acceptance, approval, reassurance, safety etc. It never even occurred to me to look to myself for those things first, or ever. Not until my 40’s.
Most of us are not taught to turn to or trust ourselves from a very young age.
This is not about blame. This is generational teaching and learning and it’s a pattern that can be broken but first,
We have to deeply see and understand the costs of looking outside ourselves for what it is we rightfully and soulfully desire.
Here are a few of the costs:
You tap dance your way through life trying to be perfect so they (the others) can like you and then you’ll be happy
Any self-respect or trust you may have eked out in your life dissolves, which makes you try harder to seek it from others (which leaves you judging yourself, or them, as a failure, not good enough etc.)
Your nervous system frays just a little bit more every time someone doesn’t give you the happiness/safety/peace/approval you want (and you might start picking fights with them)
You stay helpless (victim-y,) and erode your own confidence that you have any power at all to experience what you want for your life (but you do, trust me!)
When someone disapproves of you, you crumble.
You become irritable, impatient, frustrated and yes, even angry because you aren’t getting what you want (and you may even feel very childlike and be judge-y about that too)
You find yourself pushing, demanding, pleading (and that feels exhausting)
You don’t love, accept, care for yourself and the costs to that is a whole other newsletter.
Is this resonating?
The messed up perspective that I hear from a lot of people (and used to believe myself)is this idea that going inside ourselves first and often for peace, for happiness, for love, for safety etc. is selfish.
Sadly the definition of selfish and the common narrative is;
Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare etc. regardless of others.
That is a crappy definition if you ask me. Narrow-minded, myopic, un-spiritual and antiquated.
In my work, in the work of many of the incredible and powerful, beautiful beings I’ve met and know who do the inner work, selfish is never about ‘only’ themselves.
You want a few of the benefits of going inward first? Of doing that ‘selfish’ work;
You begin to trust yourself (the strength that comes from that will rock your world)
You release others from the responsibility (and pressure) of ‘making you’ happy (and that makes them feel good too)
You give them room to love you, to care about you in their ways (you may be happily surprised by their natural expression of caring)
You begin to discover joy, peace, safety and much more from within you that you’ve never seen or experienced before (and you’ll never un-see that!)
You start gathering evidence of the joy and peace happening around you because you’re first nurturing it within and for yourself (win win for all)
People love being in your company (because you are no longer an energy vampire)
You begin to create healthy boundaries (and freely disengage from unhealthy ones (and people))
You get to believe a whole new story about who you are (from victim to hero!)
You are (surprise!) happier and life really starts feeling good (in an authentic, embodied way)
There are more costs and more benefits and I’d encourage you to take a look in your own life and name what they are for you. I still do this from time to time, just to make sure I’m on track with my healthy living goals.
Bottom line?
Everything happens within you, first. Cultivate and nourish the good you want for your life. You can, you know?
With love, always
Jenn
If you want support to create these changes and call in more of the inner work benefits, I can help through my Living Practice Coaching. Book a call with me and we’ll talk.
Photo by Anastasia Chomlack
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