Leaning In.
Sept 1, 2023 4 min read
I was at a house concert recently and a woman I’ve known for years, who hadn't seen me in a while, came up to me and said,
‘Jenn! You look...’
I could see her searching for words.
I was dressed in a beautiful linen jumpsuit that I bought earlier in the spring from a sweet little store in Montreal. I bought this outfit for my mom’s funeral this past May, knowing she would have loved it and called it ‘classy’ or ‘chic’, which I fondly recall she pronounced as ‘chick’.
I felt classy. I felt elegant. I felt good.
The woman stumbled over her words and then finally said,
‘In my mind... You were thinner.’
And there was me, at an unusual loss for words.
‘I mean…you look good! It’s just that in my mind, you were thinner.’
“Uh huh,” I said.
We both nodded a polite smile and parted ways.
In my body I felt suddenly hot. My body was talking to me.
I’m not sharing this story to villainize this woman. That’s too easy a place to go to; the reactive othering no doubt most of us have experienced or even done ourselves.
I know her well enough to know there was no ill intention, and she’s not the first or only person in this world to put their foot in their mouth. I’ve had my share of my own mouthfuls in my life.
I'm sharing this story because of the impact it had on me, which I know many of you can relate to. And what do you do with that impact that can sometimes feel like a gut punch?
You lean in, to yourself. To whatever you are experiencing. You get curious.
What am I feeling? What did their words just ignite in me? What am I thinking?
How ironic that I wrote a blog post just a week before about how we speak to ourselves and that our bodies are listening.
Because they are listening and, they are always talking to us.
I practice this myself and I coach women to lean in, to go inside ourselves to nurture our own sense of value and worth and not give our power over to the words and actions of others.
But this one tripped me up for a bit. Stunned me, actually.
I’ve had my body be the subject of other people’s judgements, assessments, opinions my whole life and so it’s not surprising old feelings of shame, sorrow and anger rose up hot in me.
Who here hasn’t experienced this in one way or another?
There I was standing in this room full of people and I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my body. Exposed. Vulnerable. A far cry from the classy, elegant feelings I was enjoying earlier.
I needed to take care of what was coming up within me STAT.
I moved to the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror, took some deep breaths, looked into my own eyes and I leaned in to those old emotions. Rather than try to push them away, I moved towards them.
Then I spoke quietly to myself in the mirror, words of love and encouragement.
I wanted this younger part of me to hear me as the voice of truth, not the insensitive words of another person.
I know, and I’m sure you do too, many people who struggle with self-love especially around their bodies, and who are doing their best to move toward that very personal, very private level of self-acceptance.
It’s a tricky navigation though, isn’t it? Finding our ways in this world of comparison and unsolicited opinions, while also taking care of our tender, vulnerable hearts.
If, however, we get caught up in the ‘how could she say that’ thought cycle, we distract ourselves from what is asking to be healed softly. We deflect ourselves from ourselves.
Yes, people can be insensitive and often the comments are a reflection of their own inner disconnect, or dislike or discomfort more than it is ever about you.
At the end of the day, what this comes down to for me, is how we take care of ourselves when outside situations or people jostle those tender places in us.
That is ultimately our responsibility.
It’s an ongoing journey, by choice, to lean into ourselves and practice self-acceptance and love of who we are, including our bodies, despite what others may say or do.
The surprising benefit, I suppose we could call it, of this inner work of self-compassion and care, is that we begin to free ourselves from the tangled weeds of reactivity toward others, because in softening with ourselves, we find we can also soften with others.
Keep leaning in, Friends.
Jenn
Photo by @anastasiachomlack
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